What If Interview- Sonic The Hedgehog

You know, between posting retro-reviews and interviews among other stuff I often wonder what it would be like if we could somehow talk to our favorite gaming characters of yesteryear. How are they getting on? What do they think about the current situation of the games industry? Ok, I admit I’ve never thought about that even once. I’m just trying to smoothly segue into this article. Anyway, it is an interesting idea. Does Mario feel like he’s typecasted for every role? Does Samus Aran weep into her bowl of Coco Puffs at the thought of slipping into that demeaning pvc cat suit everyday? Did Solid Snake hold out for more money leading up to making MGS4? Did Pac-Man ever realise how much damage he was doing to his health popping pills everyday? Sadly we’ll never know. But we can imagine. Cast your eyes below, dear readers.

Retroplayer- `Hi Sonic. It’s nice to meet you! I’m a huge fan. In fact, over here at TGL we’re all big fans of yours`

Sonic- `Thanks, buddy!`

Retroplayer- `By the way… should I call you Sonic or Sonic the Hedgehog?`

Sonic-`Just call me Sonic, buddy. Back in the 90s I changed my name to “The Hedgehog previously known as Sonic’’ but that was a long time ago!

*we both laugh as I set up equipment and get Sonic a warm whiskey to ease his nerves*

Retroplayer-`You in Dublin for long?`

Sonic- `Nah, not really. I’m here to do a signing in Easons and I’m out.`

Retroplayer- `Great stuff. Enjoying it so far?`

Sonic- `Yeah, buddy, it’s pretty good. I bought some souvenirs for the family back home too. I got a whole bunch of magazines called “The Big Issue”. They’ll love it`

Retroplayer- `I see. Alright, you wanna get this interviewing going officially?`

Sonic- `Sure. Whenever you’re ready, man.

Retroplayer- `Hey all, this is Retroplayer for The Gaming Liberty and this week instead of my usual retro articles I’ll be interviewing the one and only Sonic the Hedgehog! Hey Sonic, say something to the people of Ireland`

Sonic- `Hey Ireland! You guys live in the real Green Hill Zone, dudes!`

Retroplayer- `Heh. Lovely. So Sonic, lets go back all the way to 1991. Tell us about how you got the leading role in Sonic the Hedgehog for the Megadrive`

Sonic- `Well, I was a struggling actor at that point and most of my time was spent in Carnival Night Zone looking for any work on stage. Simple work, you know. Anything to pay the rent. So I got this job on stage as a kind of junior daredevil in an act where they had me jumping over spikes. I’d just jump back and forth. Easy stuff but I had to judge it right. Apparently some Sega officials were there and were impressed with my spike jumping skills. However, come to think of it I may have just gotten the job because my name just happened to be the same as the game they were making. Weird coincidence, huh?`

Retroplayer- `Tell us about the overall experience on working on Sonic the Hedgehog 1`

Sonic- `Overall it was a great experience. They filmed the first level in my hometown, Green Hill Zone, so that helped my confidence early on in shooting. From there we traveled to the likes of Spring Yard Zone and Star Light Zone. Really superb experience! For the first game I was paid around 6000 gold Rings. It was a sweet deal for a newcomer to the industry. That’s before everything went down hill as you already know`

Retroplayer- `What was the cast like to work with?`

Sonic- `Well, in the first game it was just myself and Robotnik. I didn’t talk much to the extras but mostly I spent time in my trailer with Robotnik just having the odd drink and cigar.`

Retroplayer- `I think it’ll shock some fans to hear that you and Robotnik get along so well. It kind of ruins the illusion.`

Sonic- `I don’t care what the fans think to be honest. They can live in their make believe world for all I care. Do you know how much shit Robotnik has gotten over the years because fans think he’s evil in real life? Jeez. Only last year his hover-egg was keyed along the side and his Death Egg Fortress was sent multiple letter bombs. Leave him the hell alone. He’s a normal guy just like you and me. He has kids, a wife, a family and he’s still absolutely terrified to walk through Hill Top Zone in fear of being pushed off those cliffs they have up there. That’s what pisses me off about Sonic fans. They just don’t understand that when the lights go out on set we’re normal people.`

Retroplayer- `Ok Sonic. I didn’t mean to upset you.`

Sonic- `Nah, it’s cool, man. It just upsets me to think that a guy like Robotnik is still harassed even to this day. I’ve said a lot of shit about my cast over the years but Robotnik is the only one that I truly respect.`

Retroplayer- `Moving on, tell us about Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and what it was like to have an extra addition to the cast`

Sonic- `Where do I start? I don’t want to sling shit in this interview but Tails… Tails is all looks and no brains. He looks cute but inside that head of his there’s just an empty space. The first filming DAY was on Aquatic Ruin Zone. Yeah, I know, that kind of ruins the illusion too, right? Just like films we don’t shoot the levelS in order. Anyway, I’m on set feeling good because for Sonic 2 I spent 10 months in the gym and pretty much perfected my spinning dash. So I’m standing there and Tails walks up to me and says, `This is your last game. No one wants to see a sneaker wearing blue Hedgehog anymore.` He says this with this big fucking grin on his face. So I’m standing there and I don’t say a word. I’m a professional. I just want to get the job done. For the rest of the shoot I didn’t talk to him once. Sure I would have loved to kicked some lumps into his head but it wasn’t worth it. I was still on my A game. So the last few weeks of filming were in the Casino Night Zone and the whole shooting schedule was held up because Tails was hooked on playing with the slot machines. He would jump in, get some rings and jump in some more. Then Tails started spending huge amounts of time in the Chemical Plant Zone trying all kinds of weird shit. That place wasn’t good for his health because that’s when he started getting hooked on Emeralds. He would pop them like tic tacs. He went on an Emerald bender in the Special Stage Zone so we filmed the last parts of the game without him. He didn’t show up for months after that.`

Retroplayer- `So you didn’t enjoy Sonic 2 as much as the first?`

Sonic- `Filming it? No. The game itself? I thought it was better than the first, personally. But that just my opinion.`

Retroplayer- `In Sonic 3 Knuckles was added the cast. Tell us a little about him`

Sonic- `Unlike Tails Knuckles was smart but he was a control freak. He pretty much took charge of the shoot so for all of us the filming of Sonic 3 wasn’t that enjoyable. This is when it began falling at the seams. Tails was now hooked on Emeralds, Sega gave creative control to Knuckles and there was talk about cutting the footage we recorded into the two games. That means we were only paid for one but Sega sold it as Sonic 3 and Sonic and Knuckles. Bastards. For me Sonic 3 was the nail in the coffin of a true Sonic game. It was too diluted after that, too flashy.`

Retroplayer- `Well, after Sonic 3 there was a short hiatus until Sonic Adventure on the Dreamcast. Tell us a little about what happened over those years`

Sonic- `A lot. First off, Tails was found dead in an Amsterdam brothel. The doctors said he weighed the same as two small ferrets and his body was so full of Emeralds that he literally went too “Super” and, well, just died from awesomeness. I didn’t go to his funeral. Knuckles became a fan favorite so he was the new poster boy for Sega for a short time. Sega themselves crapped out of the games industry after releasing the Mega-CD, 32X and all that other bullshit. On the other hand, Robotnik had two baby boys and named one Sonic and the other Cornelius. I spent these few years out of acting work living off my Sonic royalties in Oil Ocean Zone where I co-owned a small company. Nothing major`

Retroplayer- `Sonic Adventure was the first 3D Sonic game ,right?`

Sonic- `Yeah, but many fans don’t know that we all had to go through a 2D to 3D conversion. It’s an extremely painful procedure that took around 11 hours when I went through it. What they do is inject needles into your body and pretty much “fill” you out with some fluid bringing you from a simple 2D sprite to a 3D one. Was it worth it? Sure. It was very painful but if I didn’t I would have been left behind with all the other retro characters that were too afraid to do it. I mean, look at someone like Alex Kid. He pussied out. Where is he now? Nowhere! That’s where! Apparently his wife didn’t want to undergo the 3D conversion because she was pregnant at the time which was pretty dangerous. He wouldn’t do it if she wouldn’t do it. Then BOOM the 3D revolution comes around and he’s left in the past raising a 2D baby in a 3D world. Sucks to be him.`

Retroplayer- `What are your thoughts on the first 3D Sonic game?`

Sonic- `It could have been worse. I don’t think It worked as well in 3D as I did in 2D but I thought the game has some neat ideas with the Chao system and such. We had to first recast the guy who played Tails and we were lucky to find someone who looked like him. The cast was even bigger but they didn’t annoy me as much as when Tails 1 was there. I did feel bad for Robotnik as they renamed him Dr.Eggman. I don’t know why but it came from the Sega bigwigs. Don’t ask don’t tell, right? At the wrap party Knuckles got a little drunk and stumbled into a nearby birthday party for Samus Aran that was being held in the same building. He apparently got a little frisky with Princess Peach and Mario and Luigi beat the shit out of him. I saw the whole thing. It was like that scene in the movie Goodfellas where DeNiro and Pesci brutally beat the guy in the bar. Mario and Luigi can be some bad dudes. Good on them though. Knuckles had it coming.`

Retroplayer- `Since Sonic Adventure there have been a whole slew of 3D games. Give us your opinion on them.`

Sonic- `Well, Sega need to make money and Sonic gotta eat, right? Look, no one is saying that the new games are in any way as good as the originals.`

Retroplayer- `But why not try? Why not even try to hit the mark even though you might be way off?`

Sonic- `Because it’s not worth it. We could bring out a game called “Sonic and 9/11” and people would still buy it. If Sega can make just as much money making a game with a half arsed effort as a game perfected and optimized why should they even try? It’s all about money now. I mean, look at the last game. They had me turning into a fucking Werewolf. I admit that the ideas have just dried up. There’s no denying it. I just hate it when people like you complain about these recent Sonic outings but still mange to throw a few bucks at it. Don’t buy them and they won’t make them. `

Retroplayer- `You seem tense, Sonic.`

Sonic- `Of course I’m tense! I started out as the king of videogames and now I’m just the fucking cabin boy! I’m the guy who’s in terrible games while someone like Mario is raking in the money! You know, since Sonic 3 we’ve tried different things, we’ve tried to shake it up and we did terribly. Now look at Mario. He’s been doing the same shit since the 80s and people love it. If any other videogame franchise pulled what he was doing the reviewers would crucify them. But no. It’s Mario, man! You can’t say anything bad about Mario.`

Retroplayer- ‘Is this where it all stems from? You seem really have it in for Mario.`

Sonic- `God. I knew you’d bring up this. My therapist in Star Light Zone comes off with this shit too. I like Mario. He’s a nice guy but…*Sonic starts to get teary eyed*… sometimes I just feel like I’m not being given the best opportunities, you know? It’s like Sega just don’t like me anymore. It’s like I’m just not being given the respect I deserve. I’ve made great games, man. I’ve met Michael Jackson. I’ve influenced kids across the globe to get into the games industry. But what do I have to show for it? Sonic the Hedgehog on the Xbox360? Sonic Heroes?`

Retroplayer- `Let’s shift the tone of this interview a little as I see you’re getting upset. Sonic the Hedgehog 4 is finally on the cards and is set for release this summer. Tell us a little about it`

Sonic- `Yeah, I’m pretty proud about it. I can’t talk about details but I’m hoping that it’ll reach out to old Sonic fans who didn’t enjoy the Sonic outings over the last decade. We’ll see. But I’m hopeful. It’s shaping up nicely.`

Retroplayer- `Thanks, Sonic. It’s been an absolute pleasure chatting to you.`

Sonic- `The pleasure was all mine, dude.

Retroplayer- ‘One final question, Sonic. What do you want written as your epitaph?’

Sonic- ”Here lies Sonic the Hedgehog, he went so fast you probably missed him.” Something like that. Oh yeah, I also want “All the young dudes” by David Bowie to play as they bury me. That would be perfect. Absolutely perfect.’